My daily entertainers at home. I <3 them so much! 
I No Size 6
October 25, 2010As a child, I was always on the heavier side. I still remember a picture of me during K2 in my dancing costume. Chubby lil thing with pigtails.
As I progress to Primary School, there will always be that “over weight” remark in my health booklet every year. I think I stopped getting that when I started to be the TAF club. Even when I went to Sec school, I thought that I was overweight. Now looking back at my photos, I was never big in the first place.
But my mind thought otherwise.
Unfortunately, the same mindset followed me through Polytechnic. I think that worse cos I was surrounded by pretty ladies who always look good in whatever they wore. As for me, I prefer comfort over being fashionable. That means T-shirt and jeans and comfy fugly sandles. That was me. The only time I dressed up was for class presentations.
Once I started work, that’s when I started to actually started to ‘grow’. Office work meant sitting comfortably from 8 to 6pm and I wasn’t active in any form of sports. In fact, until now I detest running. I started to feel stressed out when I went out shopping and I couldn’t find the right size for me. Everything I wore was big.
That’s when I started to join exercise classes, main aim was to lose weight. Another motivation came in a form of my instructor, Kamisah.
She was in her late thirties and yet she had a rocking solid body. She even showed us a picture of her in her “plump” days before she got into serious business of teaching classes. Eventhough I lost contact with her, she is still my idol.
I managed to lose all that weight that I needed to fit nicely into my wedding outfit. My curves were all in the right places.
Within 3 months into marriage, I got pregnant and that’s when I ate like there’s no tomorrow. I eat whatever I feel like eating. No more diet to think of, no more feeling of guilt when I eat all those sinful food. My target weight gain was 20kg and yes, I did gain all that within 9 months.
After I gave birth, I managed to lose 10kg but the remaining still stuck to me. Being busy with a baby and relocation of office were the main excuses I gave not being able to find time to exercise. That’s when I stared to slack in my appearances. I dont know why but to me taking care of Aneeqa is my main priority where else my appearance is not important anymore.
Before I was able to lose that weight that I gain, I got pregnant again. My weight gain this time round wasn’t as drastic. I gain about 10kg this time round. Sad to say but I was no glowing preggy mummy that showed off my tummy. I wore baggy clothes and looking more “aunty” than ever. I didn’t even take much pictures of me during both pregnancies bcos I didn’t feel beautiful. 
After giving birth to Aneesa, it took me sometime to finally wake up and smell the roses. Trying to juggle school, being a mom of 2 and a wife took a toll and that made me lost weight.
The unhealthy way of cos.
When I realise that I was back to my pre-preggy weight, I was determine to make it stay that way. I started to join exercise classes and make time to exercise rather than making excuses. Unfortunately, as I grow older, my metabolism goes down. I have to exercise more than I did before to achieve the same results. That means I have to cut back more on my favourite food.
There was a point of time I started to slack again and when my pants became tight, that’s when I start to panic and reduce my intake again. I always use my clothes as an indicator.
Once it fits no more, PANIC!!!!
Recently, I realise that I do look ok, despite still not having that super flat washboard abs and still having work-in-progress hips and tummy (more of a pouch) cos the recent weight gain all decided to go there. Why cant they go to my boobs instead? I’m more than glad for them to be PR there. :p
However, the few days old self found confidence was being tested today. I was aiming at this printed blouse online but unfortunately by the PTP (pit to pit) measurements, I can’t fit into them. I nearly wanted to take the risk of just buying them and if that doesn’t fit, at most I sell it off. But after much thought, I decided not to.
I don’t know why but I found myself being upset. Upset cos I couldn’t fit into a size 6. Thanks to my dear tweeps, I realise that 6 is just a number.
Why should I be buying clothes that dont fit me or buy it, than pray and hope that all my exercise will make me smaller and be able to fit into the clothes. Im crazy to even have such thoughts. No matter how much I try, I will never be able to squeeze into them cos my bone structure will always be the same!
All my life, I have been battling with myself about my weight issues that I did not realise that I was actually lacking in something else.
CONFIDENCE
Maybe I’m slow to realise this but better late than never right?
If I had self confidence in the first place, I wouldn’t be the way I am.
It’s not the clothes that make the (wo)man, infact its the other way round. Or did I get all these mixed up? But you do get what I mean right? With confidence, one can make a $20 outfit look like a million bucks.
Not too sure if my ‘semangat’ 50 cent will stay this way but I will try my darnest best to win this battle.
Wish me luck!!!
Peace & Quiet
October 14, 2010That’s all im asking for.
Peace & quiet for my heart, mind & soul.
At times I wonder, what if I did this?
What if I didn’t do that?
Where will I be?
Will I still be me?
Will I be better or worse off?
Obviously, I do not know the answer.
Maybe certain things happen for a reason.
Be it good or bad.
I just must have faith. Be strong and redha.
I really hope I can be.
